Friday, 14 March 2014

My best friend

To somebody who is/was very special,
 I am absolutely fine now. Life after a harsh struggle of four years, is falling upon the right track.  These four years were like hell fire. Let me be brutally honest to you, at times I felt like quitting and putting an end to everything!  I did not expect life to be a bed of roses. But I did not know it would be a bumpy ride full of hair pin bents either.
            I did not expect any favours from you - including monetary expectations. But yes I expected your patient ear. Yes I expect your hands to caress me and rub my back.  Yes expected your voice to sooth my ears. Yes I expected your presence, as mere being in your company would have soared my spirits. I expected your deep glance, which would assure me “everything will be alright.’
            But maybe I was being unreasonable in my expectations. Rather expecting anything was my biggest mistake. When I called you, most of the times you did not pick my calls.  You did not even bother to call me back. You yourself confessed that there was no particular reason for not attending the calls. When you picked the phone (if I were lucky) and uttered the word ‘hello’ my pouncing heart got some relief and your single word was enough to make my day a better one. But your following words ‘Don’t be a cry baby’, ‘you cannot change fate’, ‘I can’t help it’ made my days even sadder. I knew I was crying and whining and I knew you could not help it.  As regards fate, I never believed it and I do not even believe it today, after four long years of suffering. I gave my best shot, did all the efforts I could, but things did not work out. Yes, I thank God or the Supreme soul or positive energy (I am still confused which of these exists) for all my blessings. But I still do not believe in the fate.
            Let me be honest, your words were true, but were too lethal. Your words pierced my tender heart and shattered it into pieces. To add to my misery, everyone around me had a very supporting network and people to fall back upon.  Further there was no reason for you being so dry and indifferent.  There was no love lost between us, there were no arguments, no ego clashes -there was absolutely nothing to sour our relation. I wonder till date why you remained so untouched and aloof to my lonely sufferings.
            Today I have collected all the pieces of my life and am trying to put them together. I have started a new inning of life. Yes, I agree with you that this experience has made much more confident and a much better person.  But how can I attribute your indifference towards my sufferings as a crucial factor in my development as a person? I do not wish to analyze whether you are right or wrong. But how can you be so blunt?  You assert that you are always there for me,   but why are you not being vocal about your feelings and assure me that you reciprocate my feelings.

            Do not feel guilty. Let me make it very clear, you were special and continue to be one. I am very happy today and I do not blame you for my sufferings. I have learnt not to react form the heart, but from the little thing on my shoulders. I know you would not call me to wish good luck and expect me (as always) to understand that your best wishes are always with me. I have moved on and realised that there are no reasons at all for the behaviour of people. My new inning of life has started and I am looking forward to make it big. Forgive me for boasting, but I am confident that I will make it big even this time without requiring any one to boost my morale. Because now I know that I am my best friend! 

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