I am disappointed. Disappointments are painful. But when your spouse disappoints you, your whole life appears to be meaningless and futile. ‘You are not the only one. They are so many couples who are totally incompatible, who are simply not made for each other.’ One of my aunts told me. ‘Then?’ I asked her. ‘Then they have children and they live together thereafter.’ ‘Happily?’ I asked thinking that my aunt had skipped the word. ‘That I am not sure of.’ She said shrugging her shoulders.
When it comes to the world outside we don’t have many expectations. Even if we harbour some, the resultant disappointment is not that painful. But when it comes to a family member, the disappointment gives rise to a range of emotions – anger, grief, feeling of being cheated and over all meaninglessness of life.
But sooner or later we have to come to terms with it. Who doesn’t know this? But the mind plays all its games. It does not readily accept the fact.
Yes the relationship may not be working the way I want, but there are so many things to be happy about. My books give me so much of happiness. Reading about others lives, especially their sufferings, gives me immense pleasure, may be sadistic. But I feel better. My bent of mind is more towards sorrowful tales. I don’t enjoy comic writing much.
When life takes away something from you, it gives many things in return. Meditations, yoga are immensely calming. So are strolls in the cold weather of early morning and late nights. The sounds are minimal. Apart from one or two vehicles, there is not a soul to be heard. The cold air caresses my skin. It gives a feel good feeling. Yes feeling. Feeling good is after all a feeling and we should be able to create it for ourself. Why to depend upon others? May be external stimulus like books, yoga and walks should be the only things which should be resorted to for feeling good. But what to do yeh dil hai ke manta nahin.