Living alone is challenging. Yes, you get your space. But it is depressing too. You need someone to share your joys and sorrows too. I too was living alone. I had a well paying job. I had no credits. I could lay my hands on whatever I wished. Yet, I was unhappy for no particular reason. I couldn’t pin point to any particular reason as the cause of my unhappiness. All of us go through these phases, when everything is going fine, but still inwardly you are unhappy. You are gloomy. You are sorrowful. You find some sadistic pleasure in that sorrow.
I knew I wanted to get out of this phase at the earliest. It was for the good of my physical and mental health. I started doing everything that I could to feel happy. I purchased expensive gadgets in a false hope that they would make me happy. I called up my friends and laughed aloud just to show that I was happy. I was wearing the facade of happiness which unfortunately wasn’t working. I met everyone with a smile. I tried to keep everyone happy. I wished everyone on their birthdays and also gave them some presents. You give happiness and happiness comes back to you, says the old adage. But nothing of that sort happened. No one wished me on my birthday. Needless to say I didn’t receive any presents. Though I had remembered everyone’s birthdays no one had remembered mine. That made me feel very sad. The plan of making others happy in order to find my own happiness had failed miserably.
Exercise makes you happy I read somewhere. When you exercise your body releases good hormones and that makes you happy the article which I had read said. So I started going for a morning walk. As I was to get up early in the morning for the walk, I felt sleep deprived. Plus the empty stomach exercise made me anything but happy. I would go on a walking track near the lake for jogging.
One day on a sudden instinct I decided that I will not run. I walked out of the jogging track and climbed a hillock abutting to it. I sat there on a rock. I could see the placid lake and the hills on the other side of the lake. The horizon was crowded with clouds. The sun was no where to be seen. But its traces could be seen in the orange hues on the horizon. After some time the clouds disappeared and I could see the rising sun. The orange ball made me happy.
This incident has had a deep impact on me. I realized that the sun was just standing still when the clouds eclipsed him. He did not do anything. He just accepted the fact that the clouds had blocked him. He didn’t fight. He didn’t device anyways to come out of it. He just lived in the moment and wonder of wonders after some time the clouds disappeared on their own. I too gave up all the efforts of being happy and just lived in the moment, even if the moment was gloomy. Soon the clouds of unhappiness disappeared and the sun of joy rose on the horizon of my mind. Such was the impact of that sunrise.